il mio storia

Tick a tock; my ears hear the clock’s ticking.

I cannot deny that the time has passed.

Whole my heart sobs, and whole my mind’s crying.

Back and forth I keep looking, nothing last,

And even every inch of sky is grey.

I truly can’t breathe for I feel too blue.

Anger and curse, I bring them to my pray.

Nothing I can do, I sank in my rue.

I pray for a cheer, I beg for a free,

I wish for a big, I ask for a great,

But no change, it’s only a history.

Hardly to admit, I know I’m too late.

Yes I do sad but no more watery eye,

That’s my all and I know I’d better die.

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Dear youuu~

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youngseanzha:

Why can’t I have this? #2

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It has been couple years since my first. I hate to remember that. But I don’t deny, my thought full of that kind of thing. I feel the pain, the pain which is familiar. I’m getting used to that pain. Even in my dream I know my pain, even more.

The blade. No. The knife tore my body. It will. Again. I don’t want to think about that, actually. But my heart said so. It said that I will. Just like a year ago. When I hardly denied this. When at the same time my heart said so. Denial is useful.

Have you ever thought, God has told you before you walk through something. Through your heart. He prepared yourself. He prepared your strength to face your ‘something’. So, should I be afraid? No. I know, He prepares me more than enough. Because He said “your pain will be soon gone”.

I am ready, God. Open me. Pick your longing-hands. I am ready.

the devil inside me stabs, pushes, tries to get out. Hurts. Intimidates. She said if I’ve already dead. Turned into dust. Swept. I was not me, she said. That was me, who was possessed by the devil inside me. I created that guilt. I knew if i was possessed. I wish I could run, get rid of her. She controlled my senses. She made my eyes guilty, she made my hand dirty. My soul was trembling to death while fighting her. But unfortunately I couldn’t win. She crushed my and my soul. I was in pain. Dilemma.

Now, she’s giggling. I AM SATISFY! She’s satisfy to see me turned into dust. I was dust indeed, she said. Created to be killed, to be swept. My ribs broke, destroyed together with my mind and soul, only my body left. She bossed the show, with anger, with passion. Honestly I cried deep in my heart. Prayed. Wondered. When would it be done? How could she do this to me?

She said if she is me, not the other. I didn’t admit. I was not her. I was not the devil. She insisted. She was me. I had no words about that. I was trembling more hard than before. I was to affraid to admit. I couldn’t believe that. I didn’t want that. But she ruled. She was me.

Destroyed. Gone. Wasted. I died. I lost. I realize. I was the devil inside me. Killed myself, my soul, my heart and my mind. If I died, I was the murderer.

28102011

“between me and the devil inside me”

people take decision

people regret

ruin the mood, break the feeling, and i feel bad about myself

i regret and i feel bad.

and again, ask ‘why?’